Rockmelons II – The Revenge.

Apparently I’ve severely underestimated the allure of rockmelons. Much like the Siren of Greek myth luring an enraptured sailor to his watery grave, the temptation of the rockmelon is seemingly impossible to resist.

According to ABC news:

A Victorian man in his 80s has become the fifth person to die in a listeria outbreak after eating contaminated rockmelons.

I TRIED TO WARN YOU ALL WEEKS AGO! THIS STORY IS IN THE NEWS EVERY DAY! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY! THE ROCKMELONS ARE CONTAMINATED! STOP EATING THEM! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? I DON’T UNDERSTAND!!

Continue reading “Rockmelons II – The Revenge.”

Oh, And That Snapchat Thing…

What Snapchat thing? This Snapchat thing…

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Believe it or not, a reasonable number of peeps actually joined the Only I Stand Here Snapchat account that I created back here.

I can assure you, fair readers, that I’m as shocked as you are.

To these brave souls I say, god bless your cotton socks. You are truly the intrepid pioneers among us and are deserving of all the awe and admiration that such an undertaking warrants.

Kudos.

 

Australia Finds A Brand New Way To Kill Its Citizens.

It’s common knowledge that Australia is full of things that can, and will, kill you.

Snakes, spiders, horses, crocodiles, sharks, dingoes, psychos, assholes, farms, amusement park rides… It’s little wonder we drink so much.

For those of us that somehow survive the daily onslaught of these perpetual threats, it’s time to add a new nefarious killer to the list.

Continue reading “Australia Finds A Brand New Way To Kill Its Citizens.”

Only I Stand Here on Snapchat. This Should Be Interesting…

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How long until I’m inundated with random dick pics?

Finally! After musing about it forever, and procrastinating about it for even longer, Only I Stand Here is now on Snapchat.

Firstly, I have zero idea how this is going to integrate into Only I Stand Here proper. Or how to manage it at all really. So I’m already off to a brilliant start.

Secondly, I also have zero idea if anyone currently reading my nonsense has any inclination to tap into my ongoing misadventures in a real time environment. I’m an acquired taste, I get that. Having me accessible in the palm of your hand at all times may be a bit much. Fair call really.

Thirdly, following The Year of the Chronically Offended that was 2017, it’s now 2018. The Year Reason Died. There’s every single chance that without the benefit of drafts, review, thoughtful contemplation, or any kind of filtering process, I will offend/alienate the few readers I already have. Apologies in advance.

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, I’m totally intrigued to see what kind of Snaps I get from the masses.

Dick pics I assume. Always dick pics.

So if you’re into endless non sequiturs, impotent raging against the machine, mass confusion regarding societal norms and the occasional thoughtful prose, all while drinking too much, touch the screen and join the fray!

Only I Stand Here – The Year In (the) Re(ar)view(mirror).

For the same reason I don’t make New Years resolutions I’ve never felt the urge to reflect on my blog at the end of the calendar year.

In both cases it seems so bizarrely arbitrary.

If an individual wishes to reflect on their life or make positive changes to it; kick ass. That’s to be commended. However, ANY TIME IS A GOOD TIME TO DO THIS. The 22nd of July, the 1st of August, the 14th of November or March the goddamn 26th are all equally opportune dates to decide to stop sucking so much.

Continue reading “Only I Stand Here – The Year In (the) Re(ar)view(mirror).”

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!EXCLUSIVE OFFER!

Coming soon to Only I Stand Here: The Ultimate Vinyl Collection Storage System Unit (patent pending).

A Thing!
Dynamic! Practical! Engineered to last! Not a milk crate!

These state of the art, individually manufactured units are perfect for the modern vinyl collector/hipster.

Each high quality unit features the following features:

  • Stylish vintage retro design.
  • Highly durable.
  • Integrated carry handles.
  • Technologically advanced polymer finish.

These sturdy, retro look, fully functional vinyl storage units come in a variety of colours and are completely stackable*.

We here at Only I Stand Here are pleased to offer you a fully repurposed BRAND NEW** The Ultimate Vinyl Collection Storage System Unit for the low, low price of $78.43 per unit. Plus postage and handling.

Why put a price on peace of mind?

Order now!***

 

 

 

 

*Units only stackable when empty.
**Units may actually be stolen from the bar/restaurant behind my apartment building.
***Can you tell I’ve become sarcastic and disillusioned while hunting for practical, reasonably priced, no nonsense vinyl storage?