Only I Stand Here on Snapchat. This Should Be Interesting…

snapcode
How long until I’m inundated with random dick pics?

Finally! After musing about it forever, and procrastinating about it for even longer, Only I Stand Here is now on Snapchat.

Firstly, I have zero idea how this is going to integrate into Only I Stand Here proper. Or how to manage it at all really. So I’m already off to a brilliant start.

Secondly, I also have zero idea if anyone currently reading my nonsense has any inclination to tap into my ongoing misadventures in a real time environment. I’m an acquired taste, I get that. Having me accessible in the palm of your hand at all times may be a bit much. Fair call really.

Thirdly, following The Year of the Chronically Offended that was 2017, it’s now 2018. The Year Reason Died. There’s every single chance that without the benefit of drafts, review, thoughtful contemplation, or any kind of filtering process, I will offend/alienate the few readers I already have. Apologies in advance.

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, I’m totally intrigued to see what kind of Snaps I get from the masses.

Dick pics I assume. Always dick pics.

So if you’re into endless non sequiturs, impotent raging against the machine, mass confusion regarding societal norms and the occasional thoughtful prose, all while drinking too much, touch the screen and join the fray!

Short Thought 024

!EXCLUSIVE OFFER!

Coming soon to Only I Stand Here: The Ultimate Vinyl Collection Storage System Unit (patent pending).

A Thing!
Dynamic! Practical! Engineered to last! Not a milk crate!

These state of the art, individually manufactured units are perfect for the modern vinyl collector/hipster.

Each high quality unit features the following features:

  • Stylish vintage retro design.
  • Highly durable.
  • Integrated carry handles.
  • Technologically advanced polymer finish.

These sturdy, retro look, fully functional vinyl storage units come in a variety of colours and are completely stackable*.

We here at Only I Stand Here are pleased to offer you a fully repurposed BRAND NEW** The Ultimate Vinyl Collection Storage System Unit for the low, low price of $78.43 per unit. Plus postage and handling.

Why put a price on peace of mind?

Order now!***

 

 

 

 

*Units only stackable when empty.
**Units may actually be stolen from the bar/restaurant behind my apartment building.
***Can you tell I’ve become sarcastic and disillusioned while hunting for practical, reasonably priced, no nonsense vinyl storage? 

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Kermit Is Kill
Forgive the unforgivable vertical orientation. I was drunk.

I’ve been toying with the idea of starting an Only I Stand Here SnapchatTM account.

The pressure to deliver consistent and hilarious content would eventually end up driving me insane but imagine a world where you guys have access to the alcohol fueled Only I Stand Here brand of detached observational humour and legitimate societal confusion in real time!

Sounds awesome right?

Now also imagine spammy updates regarding my sporadic site posts and relentless SnapsTM of my cat!

Holy shit, *do I know what peeps want! Or do I know what peeps want?!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*I have no idea what people want.

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Last night while bar hopping into the wee hours of the morning I saw a homeless man with a clothes horse. Or a drying airer. Or clothes airer. Whatever you happen call one of these things where you live…

So Much Suck
“We need to invent something that has the potential to dry clothes but is also an unwieldy mess that collapses at the slightest touch.” – Engineers.

Among the many thoughts that raced through my mind, the loudest and shoutiest was…

Man, if I were to suddenly become homeless maintaining possession of a clothes horse would not be high on my list of priorities. One of the small joys I would take out of the soul crushing situation would be that I could throw my clothes horse into a fucking river. I hate those things.

That’s Alright Mama.

My Ma recently texted me because her fridge wasn’t doing cold very well. Which is kinda the main point of fridges. I advised her “Have you tried turning it off and on again?”

She stated “No. It’s not a computer. Fridges are all automatic now.”

I responded “Hmm. Are they though? Because yours is only two years old and it isn’t working. Try turning it off and on again.”

My Ma’s response “I don’t want to break it, I might call someone to fix it.”

“Don’t do that, I’ll be up in two days time. I’ll have a look at it.”

Unless it’s on fire, I have zero idea how to tell the difference between a fridge that’s working and one that isn’t. Nonetheless…

Continue reading “That’s Alright Mama.”

Things That Suck: The Snooze Button.

I don’t use the snooze button. Never have, never will. I set my alarm to go off at the last possible minute to try and choke all the potential sleep out of the nights lungs.

Sleep is rad.

SadButTrue
Me too Ralph, me too.

The snooze button. Whether it’s on your phone, alarm clock or whatever. I just don’t get it. At its absolute base level –  hitting the snooze button means that you’ve set your alarm to go off before you need it to go off. Before you need to get out of bed.

What kind of lunacy is that?

Continue reading “Things That Suck: The Snooze Button.”