The group of late 20-something women sitting three tables over from me are drowning out the conversation I’m trying to have and the music the venue is playing with their autistic screeching about the Kardashians.
Kardashians. Autistic screeching.
I’m thinking there may be a correlation.
It’s 3:00pm on a Saturday afternoon and I find myself sharing a bar with a group of people celebrating their Primary School reunion. Which is apparently a thing people do. They all appear to be in their late 40’s/early 50’s and they’re all completely wrecked. Endless waves of Sambuca shots chased by pints of beer will do that to a person.
Because I’m totes sneaky and am always on the lookout for prime blog fodder I accidentally overhear the following quotes which, without the context of 40 years plus of shared experience, all sound somewhat deranged.
Continue reading “The End of the Affair.”
My Ma recently texted me because her fridge wasn’t doing cold very well. Which is kinda the main point of fridges. I advised her “Have you tried turning it off and on again?”
She stated “No. It’s not a computer. Fridges are all automatic now.”
I responded “Hmm. Are they though? Because yours is only two years old and it isn’t working. Try turning it off and on again.”
My Ma’s response “I don’t want to break it, I might call someone to fix it.”
“Don’t do that, I’ll be up in two days time. I’ll have a look at it.”
Unless it’s on fire, I have zero idea how to tell the difference between a fridge that’s working and one that isn’t. Nonetheless…
Continue reading “That’s Alright Mama.”
I think I was just propositioned by a 60 year old man.
A completely unsolicited “Why don’t you come with me and shower in my hotel room?” isn’t your usual bar room banter is it?
Well, sir, since you asked, my reasons are many and varied. Here they are in list form:
- Not really my scene.
- I still have money.
- That bar chick though…
- I don’t find you attractive.
- You look like you might kill me then burn me in your hotel room bathtub.
Quite a thought process to arrive at a simple “No thanks man, I’ll pass. Happy hunting.”
Sometimes I feel like I’m the one who could make Taylor Swift happy. Then I realise I probably couldn’t and it bums me out.
Whenever I attend a costume party I always find myself referring to the people I meet as the characters they’re dressed up as.
“No, your name isn’t Daniel. It’s Batman. Don’t share your secret identity man! That’s Batman 101. Isn’t that right Dr. Evil?“
This afternoon I found myself on a train. With other people. Which sucks. As previously established, I’m not very good at trains.
Sitting directly behind me was a mother, who I’m sure was a teenager in the 90’s, and her three children. The eldest, a girl that couldn’t have been more than ten or eleven, kept singing a single line from Aqua’s Cartoon Heroes. Over and over again. Very loudly.
Continue reading “The One Where Travis Crushes A Little Girl’s Spirit.”
While discussing global politics and the current state of the world my friend just proposed the following:
“I guarantee that McDonald’s is already using the homeless and dispossessed as a source of meat. McHomeless man! Think about it. When was the last time you actually saw a cow?”
Can you be too woke?