The group of late 20-something women sitting three tables over from me are drowning out the conversation I’m trying to have and the music the venue is playing with their autistic screeching about the Kardashians.
Kardashians. Autistic screeching.
I’m thinking there may be a correlation.
My Ma recently texted me because her fridge wasn’t doing cold very well. Which is kinda the main point of fridges. I advised her “Have you tried turning it off and on again?”
She stated “No. It’s not a computer. Fridges are all automatic now.”
I responded “Hmm. Are they though? Because yours is only two years old and it isn’t working. Try turning it off and on again.”
My Ma’s response “I don’t want to break it, I might call someone to fix it.”
“Don’t do that, I’ll be up in two days time. I’ll have a look at it.”
Unless it’s on fire, I have zero idea how to tell the difference between a fridge that’s working and one that isn’t. Nonetheless…
Continue reading “That’s Alright Mama.”
I think I was just propositioned by a 60 year old man.
A completely unsolicited “Why don’t you come with me and shower in my hotel room?” isn’t your usual bar room banter is it?
Well, sir, since you asked, my reasons are many and varied. Here they are in list form:
- Not really my scene.
- I still have money.
- That bar chick though…
- I don’t find you attractive.
- You look like you might kill me then burn me in your hotel room bathtub.
Quite a thought process to arrive at a simple “No thanks man, I’ll pass. Happy hunting.”
Whenever I attend a costume party I always find myself referring to the people I meet as the characters they’re dressed up as.
“No, your name isn’t Daniel. It’s Batman. Don’t share your secret identity man! That’s Batman 101. Isn’t that right Dr. Evil?“
Today I’d like to share with you a nice little mix of hyper-awareness and neuroticism.
After complimenting my friendly neighbourhood bar-girl with a “You look really nice today” I then immediately realise how my statement infers she didn’t look nice the day before.
She then responds, “So I didn’t look nice yesterday?”
I momentarily pause, index finger outstretched and mouth agape like I’m going to keep my charm intact with a clever retort and… no. Nothing comes out. Clever or otherwise.
She laughs and pours me a beer, while I laugh and hope I came across more awkwardly endearing as opposed to a complete and utter social freakshow.
While discussing global politics and the current state of the world my friend just proposed the following:
“I guarantee that McDonald’s is already using the homeless and dispossessed as a source of meat. McHomeless man! Think about it. When was the last time you actually saw a cow?”
Can you be too woke?
Sometimes I’ll look at one of my friends and think to myself “If you weren’t my friend I’d fucking hate you.“
This morning I received a phone call from a woman I’ve never met. She told me her name was Tina and that she wanted to talk to me about insurance. It took every ounce of my self control not to state in a frustrated tone “Tina, you fat lard, come get some dinner.”