The group of late 20-something women sitting three tables over from me are drowning out the conversation I’m trying to have and the music the venue is playing with their autistic screeching about the Kardashians.
I see every single one of these little brats as a Veruca Salt or Joffrey goddamn Baratheon. Constantly demanding attention, climbing over the furniture, hanging from the bar, ignoring spacial boundaries, generally getting in the way.
Coming soon to Only I Stand Here: The Ultimate Vinyl Collection Storage System Unit (patent pending).
These state of the art, individually manufactured units are perfect for the modern vinyl collector/hipster.
Each high quality unit features the following features:
Stylish vintage retro design.
Integrated carry handles.
Technologically advanced polymer finish.
These sturdy, retro look, fully functional vinyl storage units come in a variety of colours and are completely stackable*.
We here at Only I Stand Here are pleased to offer you a fully repurposed BRAND NEW** The Ultimate Vinyl Collection Storage System Unit for the low, low price of $78.43 per unit. Plus postage and handling.
Why put a price on peace of mind?
*Units only stackable when empty.
**Units may actually be stolen from the bar/restaurant behind my apartment building.
***Can you tell I’ve become sarcastic and disillusioned while hunting for practical, reasonably priced, no nonsense vinyl storage?
I’ve been toying with the idea of starting an Only I Stand Here SnapchatTM account.
The pressure to deliver consistent and hilarious content would eventually end up driving me insane but imagine a world where you guys have access to the alcohol fueled Only I Stand Here brand of detached observational humour and legitimate societal confusion in real time!
Sounds awesome right?
Now also imagine spammy updates regarding my sporadic site posts and relentless SnapsTM of my cat!
Holy shit, *do I know what peeps want! Or do I know what peeps want?!
While this isn’t necessarily an untrue statement, it’s definitely not the kind of affirmation/motivation you hand out to just anybody.
“What’s that you say bouncer man? Hands off the dancers? Pfft. The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do!” Ten minutes and three cracked ribs later…
“Pull over and put my hands where you can see them? No way Po-Po! Driving 70 kph over the speed limit is awesome because the greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do!” One high speed police chase and sixteen charges later…
“I know arson is frowned upon but I hate my neighbour so much and, as they say, the greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do!” Seven fire engines and fifteen to twenty years later…
“Society tells me it’s wrong to bathe in the blood of virginal panda cubs then curb stomp puppies while dancing naked through a kindergarten, but one of my highly suggestible friends on facebook reposted a picture that said the greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do!”
And so on, and so on…
Obviously this affirmation should be given out only after a rigorous psychological evaluation. I mean, we have an entire judicial system in place specifically becausepeople do what people say they cannot do.
And honestly, if your happiness is derived solely from doing what other people have told you you can’t do, you may have a problem.