Short Thought 020

Xenophobia Is Stupid
Oh the irony. The thoroughly fucking xenophobic irony.

I don’t even.

How did both the manufacturer and the purchaser miss the glaringly obvious grammatical error? Hate clouds intellect I guess.

Still, if you’re gonna openly celebrate your xenophobia and racism you should really make sure your spelling is on point. Lest you look like a huge fucking asshole.

Motivate This! – Entry #007

Like Arson
Coming soon to a local gym facebook post near you!

While this isn’t necessarily an untrue statement, it’s definitely not the kind of affirmation/motivation you hand out to just anybody.

“What’s that you say bouncer man? Hands off the dancers? Pfft. The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do!” Ten minutes and three cracked ribs later…

“Pull over and put my hands where you can see them? No way Po-Po! Driving 70 kph over the speed limit is awesome because the greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do!”
One high speed police chase and sixteen charges later…

“I know arson is frowned upon but I hate my neighbour so much and, as they say, the greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do!”
Seven fire engines and fifteen to twenty years later…

“Society tells me it’s wrong to bathe in the blood of virginal panda cubs then curb stomp puppies while dancing naked through a kindergarten, but one of my highly suggestible friends on facebook reposted a picture that said the greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do!”

And so on, and so on…

Obviously this affirmation should be given out only after a rigorous psychological evaluation. I mean, we have an entire judicial system in place specifically because people do what people say they cannot do.

And honestly, if your happiness is derived solely from doing what other people have told you you can’t do, you may have a problem.

Short Thought 018

Last night while bar hopping into the wee hours of the morning I saw a homeless man with a clothes horse. Or a drying airer. Or clothes airer. Whatever you happen call one of these things where you live…

So Much Suck
“We need to invent something that has the potential to dry clothes but is also an unwieldy mess that collapses at the slightest touch.” – Engineers.

Among the many thoughts that raced through my mind, the loudest and shoutiest was…

Man, if I were to suddenly become homeless maintaining possession of a clothes horse would not be high on my list of priorities. One of the small joys I would take out of the soul crushing situation would be that I could throw my clothes horse in a fucking river. I hate those things.

The End of the Affair.

It’s 3:00pm on a Saturday afternoon and I find myself sharing a bar with a group of people celebrating their Primary School reunion.  Which is apparently a thing people do. They all appear to be in their late 40’s/early 50’s and they’re all completely wrecked. Endless waves of Sambuca shots chased by pints of beer will do that to a person.

Because I’m totes sneaky and am always on the lookout for prime blog fodder I accidentally overhear the following quotes which, without the context of 40 years plus of shared experience, all sound somewhat deranged.

Continue reading “The End of the Affair.”

Short Thought 017

You know there’s a very good reason the chain has been deemed necessary.

Christ. What a grim indictment on our society that the charity tin sitting on the bar needs to be chained and padlocked to the goddamn beer taps.

Or, from a slightly more abstract viewpoint, perhaps this image exemplifies how our collective hope is intrinsically tethered to beer?

Drunken Snapchat Theatre – Twins of Evil (1971)

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the first, and possibly only, episode of Drunken Snapchat Theatre. A cinematic journey in which your humble narrator watches fantastically terrible films while drinking too much. And Snaps it.

After regularly subjecting my friends to this nonsense I thought I’d see how it flies here.

Drunken Snapchat Theatre may contain violence and bloodshed, gratuitous nudity, bad language and glib observations masquerading as humour. You have been warned.

Continue reading “Drunken Snapchat Theatre – Twins of Evil (1971)”