The 2018 Gold Coast Commonwealth Games Have No Game.

Judging by the masses of empty seats on view at every single event, the spectator turnout at the 2018 Gold Coast Commonwealth Games has been quite whelming to say the least.

The Australian reports:

Gold Coast businesses and tour operators say part of the blame for the lacklustre crowds during the Commonwealth Games and school holiday season lies with hotels bumping up prices.

Frustration has already been levelled at the “overhyped” message urging residents to stay off roads during the Games.

Over eager capitalists pricing themselves out of the game and lazy politicians misreading the situation notwithstanding, I watched 20 minutes of the Seven Network’s coverage  last night and I have a much simpler read on the situation.

It’s completely boring and not worth watching at all. Well, almost.

Michelle Jenneke Is Exceptional
There’s always an exception to the rule.

Straight up.

The entire enterprise is so boring that the Australian Government, on behalf of the Australian Institute of Sport, should provide every viewer/spectator that suffers through the perpetual tedium that is the Commonwealth Games with tax credits on their next tax return.

So who’s to blame? Though I’d love to blame the Australian Government, capitalism or the guy in the apartment above me, the real culprit is the events themselves. They’re fucking boring.

Take the following events:

Swimming = Swim in a straight line, turn, repeat.
Track = Run in a circle or straight line.
Field = Jump. In a straight line. Or, throw a thing. Again, in a straight line.

Swim, run, jump, throw. WOW!!!1!ZOMG THE THRILLS!!!1!!TAEK MY MONEEEZ!

It’s all rather boringly simplistic.

I… I have a few suggestions. Suggestions that, if implemented, would totally liven up the Games and bring in a few more punters.

First up, the swimming events. My suggestion is a simple one; remove the lane ropes and, AND, add a shark. Not a big one. Not Jaws or anything. Not big enough to kill the competitors. I’m not a madman. Just a little guy that’s big enough to ensure the swimmers don’t want to get bit.

This small change could be implemented across all pool sports. If nothing else it would definitely up the difficulty level on the synchronised swimming.

Brilliant. Next.

In these new and improved Commonwealth Games the Long Jump, Triple Jump and possibly even the High Jump and Pole Vault could be made better with one simple change…

While the athlete is making their run up to either jump the furthest or highest, their competition stand on either side of the runway, 10 metres back, and throw tennis balls at them. Possibly tennis balls that are on fire.

Flaming tennis balls being something I’m apparently fixated on seeing introduced into all professional sports in some capacity.

I mean really, anyone can run and jump. Even children, and children are both stupid and uncoordinated. It makes the concept of running then jumping extremely more challenging when you’re having fire balls being pelted at your person by your competition.

I don’t know man, it seems like a no brainer to me.

As for the track events, all track events could be improved by making them full contact.

Simple.

The winner must still cross the finish line first of course, there’s a certain heritage and reverence that needs to be adhered to. However, competitors can hit, trip, push and wrestle each other to their hearts content for the entire duration of the race.

Should I run as fast as I can and hope I’m the best? Or should I just kick the legs out from this guy in front of me?

Marathons would be EPIC BLOOD FEUDS like Mad Max – Fury Road. Instead of boring ass chores to sit through, like… well… marathons. And Mad Max – Beyond Thunderdome.

Finally, the women’s beach volleyball is fine. Leave it as is. The men’s beach volleyball however, could be improved by replacing the men with women.

There. I just fixed the Commonwealth Games.

You’re welcome.

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