It’s 3:00pm on a Saturday afternoon and I find myself sharing a bar with a group of people celebrating their Primary School reunion. Which is apparently a thing people do. They all appear to be in their late 40’s/early 50’s and they’re all completely wrecked. Endless waves of Sambuca shots chased by pints of beer will do that to a person.
Because I’m totes sneaky and am always on the lookout for prime blog fodder I accidentally overhear the following quotes which, without the context of 40 years plus of shared experience, all sound somewhat deranged.
- “I’m working at the High School I got expelled from.”
- “I ran in to Michael once, I tried to talk to him but he was a rude asshole. He said “You never talked to me at school, why are you trying to talk to me now?” What a prick!”
- “Simon found out that his girlfriend was pregnant while riding a push bike! He nearly knackered himself!”
- “Gary? Every time someone posts something on facebook his first comment is always “Tell her to get her tits out.” He’s such a great guy.”
- “His last post was in 2015. It’s really sad isn’t it?”
- “He looks exactly the same. Isn’t that sad? Oh gee, he looks good there!”
- “This is me, I’ve gotta stop feeling sorry for people.”
- “Why are you strangling me Louise?”
- “I just want to tell everybody that I’m having an affair with a married woman.”
Ooh, juicy. An affair.
I’ve often heard people say “I’m having an affair with a married man/woman” but I’m not sure how apt that descriptor is. If you’re a single person sleeping with a married person are you actually the one having the affair? Doesn’t an affair infer some kind of deception? Don’t you have to be in a relationship, married or otherwise, to be able to have an affair? If you’re single aren’t you just sleeping with a married person? Or is the entire tryst an affair?
Christ, even the definition of an affair is complicated.
Regardless of my internal semantics, this guys alcohol fueled confession prompted the following responses…
- “How often do you fuck?“
- “She won’t touch it.”
- “Then what are you getting out of it? It sounds like she’s a psychopath.”
- “It’s not a sexual affair.”
- “Then it’s not an affair.”
- “Does she send you nudes?”
- “No, but here’s one of her on the toilet.”
- “I’d do her, she’s cute.”
- “That’s hot. That’s dirty.”
Finally concluding that this married woman sending pictures of herself while on the toilet to their friend, who may or may not be having an affair with her, was both hot and dirty the group return to far less interesting topics…
- “You’re going to the toilet? Do you want me to come honey? I’ll get on my knees?”
- “Are you a lesbian?”
- “That’s my mate Rob, I love him. He knows all the words to the first Rambo movie.”
- “Stop touching your crutch.”
- “Women are bitches.”
- “Did you ever shag the bosses wife? Colin did.”
- “Colin, why do you keep spilling drinks your drinks on yourself?”
- “Were just gonna go and see who can take the best selfie on the toilet.”
- “THE ACE OF SPADES! THE ACE OF SPADES!”
- “She’s trying to control him. Why are men so stupid!?”
- “Did you hear what he said? She wants someone to kill her husband for her.”
Wait, what?! Jesus, I missed that.
What the fuck Class of 198something!? What the hell happened to you? As far as I can tell you all turned out to be sexually deviant, narcissistic, alcoholic, Motörhead fans, with zero self awareness. Who may, or may not, be about to commit a murder.
I deliberately tune out after that lest I become an accessory to the crime.