The One Where Travis Crushes A Little Girl’s Spirit.

This afternoon I found myself on a train. With other people. Which sucks. As previously established, I’m not very good at trains.

Sitting directly behind me was a mother, who I’m sure was a teenager in the 90’s, and her three children. The eldest, a girl that couldn’t have been more than ten or eleven, kept singing a single line from Aqua’s Cartoon Heroes. Over and over again. Very loudly.

“Here comes Superman, from Never-Never Land.”

On repeat.

“Here comes Superman, from Never-Never Land.”

For 45 minutes.

“Here comes Superman, from Never-Never Land.”

No hyperbole.

“Here comes Superman, from Never-Never Land.”

I did my best to ignore it.

“Here comes Superman, from Never-Never Land.”

And I did.

“Here comes Superman, from Never-Never Land.”

For 45 minutes.

“Here comes Superman, from Never-Never Land.”

The 46th minute, not so much…

The head-scratching nonsense of the lyric aside (Superman is very much NOT from Never-Never Land) the repetition and the seemingly increasing volume level slowly began to take its toll.

I reflected on Under Siege 2.

BecauseTrains
Clearly a sign of mental distress.

This is one of the very few times Steven Seagal’s presence would have been appreciated.

“Here comes Superman, from Never-Never Land.”

It gets to a point where I begin to think to myself, “Is she right? Is Superman from Never-Never Land? Have I had it wrong my entire life? Or was he just visiting Never-Never Land and is now returning from Never-Never Land? The grammar holds up…

My brain is figuratively melting.

“Here comes Superman, from Never-Never Land.”

I witness, and internally identify with, the furtive glances and head shakes of my fellow passengers. I begin to feel increasingly irritated and claustrophobic. Why won’t it stop?

“Here comes Superman, from Never-Never Land.”

Forget waterboarding, all Guantanamo needs is one little girl gleefully singing a single line of a catchy song she heard on one of her mother’s old CD’s INTO INFINITY. Hell, if I thought it would have helped stop the madness I was ready to confess to any number of shitty things I’d done throughout my life. ANYTHING TO MAKE IT STOP.

“Here comes Superman, from Never-Never Land.”

Eventually this all leads to its inevitable conclusion and somewhere around the thousandth recital of Superman’s incorrect residency I hit breaking point. Still facing forward, I sternly growl/sing:

WELCOME TO THE TOON TOWN PARTY! The next line is WELCOME TO THE TOON TOWN PARTY!”

Apparently sharing my superior knowledge of disposable late 90’s Eurodance groups and their inane lyrics makes me an asshole to inattentive mothers.

The more you know.

2 thoughts on “The One Where Travis Crushes A Little Girl’s Spirit.

    1. Cheers man, I really appreciate the compliment and the effort required to reply!

      I try to cobble together my frustrating, mundane life experiences into a vaguely coherent narrative to try and wrangle something positive out of it.

      It’s therapeutic. Even if I come across as an unsympathetic jerk.

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